Friday, November 15, 2013

My Peak Queer Theory Moment, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Expose Misogynistic Garbage

This blog post is one I've been meaning to write for quite some time now. But, before I delve into critiquing the monstrosity known as "Lockpick Pornography" by Joey Comeau, first, a story.

So, a few years back I was invited by a former friend to attend a "toaster party."  There were no set plans for the evening, only that attendees bring food items that could be toasted.  I was intrigued and so I ended up asking my friend if the toaster theme had anything to do with "The Brave Little Toaster."  She said it didn't, but that the idea sprang from a sentence contained in "Lockpick Pornography." The quote can be read here:
What about those androgyny loving people. They're still jacking something off, though, aren't they? They're not just sitting around looking at chrome toasters and having instant orgasms. Are they?
So eloquent and special, isn't it?

Well, needless to say, she sent me a link to the story, which I hastily read in time for the party the next evening. I remember feeling glad that we were going to be able to discuss this "book" because I had quite a few concerns that I wanted to have addressed about it.

Now, at the time, I was still very much fully immersed in queer politics, so I was much nicer to asshole men than I am now.  I made a statement in a semi sugar-coated way that I didn't like how the lead character punches a woman in the stomach simply because she is a straight woman, how a male character gets raped in his sleep, and how the only female characters in the book were "genderqueers" and were constantly sexually harassed by the main character, who has serious impulse control issues.

A guy in attendance at the party, we will call him "Turkey" since he's named himself after a bird anyway, except calling him a Turkey is more fitting because those birds show off for no reason and are generally quite dull, addressed me:  "Well, you see, you just, like, didn't understand the, like, metaphor that the author was, like, using."  Which in retrospect was just Turkey's nice way of saying "shut the fuck up, you dumb bitch."  I said "I disagree. I feel like he was being very clear with his words and that this book was very misogynistic."  My friend dispersed the tension by reiterating in heavily-laden bourgeois academic jargon what Turkey had said. And so, I shut up. Any real sense of feminist discourse effectively silenced by the penis in the room and one of his female enablers/fangirls.

The sad thing is, some of the people in my former community actually look up to the lead character in this book as a role model.  To give you an idea of the type of person the lead character is, just think of a genderqueer gay male version of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.  I don't *recall* if the lead in Joey Comeau's book ever kills anybody, but he damages property (both private and public), physically assaults women and men, makes obscene phone calls to women and men, breaks into people's homes, participates in theft, and, if memory serves me correctly (though I HOPE I am just blocking out some terrible shit), he and his band of cronies leave pornography behind in childrens books at public schools.

But don't listen to me. If you really want to read this atrocious piece of pro-queer "literature" then here you go.  Trigger warning for almost every possible trigger I can think of at the moment. Just, proceed with caution.  This work is a piece of shit, along with every male who agrees with it.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Campus Dialogue on Race

Humboldt State University (my Alma Mater), is hosting this event right now as we speak.

The indoctrination is strong with this one.

I have a few problems with it right off the bat.  Now, as a white person, I do not take any issue whatsoever with my former school hosting an event meant to foster activism around issues of race.  That is a a worthy cause and should be supported with themed lectures and workshops.

Now, I also understand that HSU is not racially diverse at all (partly due to the fact that the geographical area has a long-standing history of some really disgusting violent racism, and partly due to the fact that the remaining white "race activists" are pompous and egotistical elitists.) I also understand that, due to aforementioned reasons, it might be hard to facilitate such an event, simply because those who need to be able to speak for their own groups cannot actually make it.  That being said, I would still hope that if they were hosting week long events regarding the subject of race, that they would be able to fill the week with events that are directly related to race!

Instead, we find such programming like this:

Poor Whites and the paradox of Privilege

This talk focuses on the way we DON'T talk about poverty in the U.S. Poor white folk are the largest poverty group in the country, yet they are seldom presented in the media or in conversations about marginalization. My work looks at how poor whites carve out their paradoxical identity within the glowing assumption of white privilege.
Presenter: Dr. Kirby Moss, Journalism
Yes, because "what about the poor white people?"  I thought this was a campus event designed to discuss race, and when discussing issues of race, you leave the fucking white people out of it.  Want to talk about how poverty affects white people too? Great! What you are discussing is actually an economic (class) issue, not a race issue.  Economic/class only becomes a race issue when people of color are denied opportunities for success economically based on their race.  White people do not experience discrimination based on the color of our skin. Leave white people OUT of the dialogue, for once!

And then we see gems such as this:

Keynote with Trystan T. Cotten
Transsexual Men, Genital Surgery, and Cultural Theory

Trystan T. Cotten is Associate Professor of Gender and African American Studies at California State University, Stanislaus. He has published five books and numerous articles in journals and book collections, and travels extensively around the world lecturing on transgender issues. His primary areas of research are: 1) transgender medicine and gender identity/embodiment; and 2) nonconforming gender and sexuality in the Africa(n) diaspora. Dr. Cotten's most recent publications are: Hung Jury: Testimonies of Genital Surgery by Transsexual Men and Transgender Migrations: The Bodies, Borders, and Politics of Transition. He is also the principal architect and managing editor of Transgress Press, which is a social entrepreneurial publishing firm devoted to empowering trans people and communities.
Again, I am not sure why this is in the program of events for the week.  This has even less to do with race than the prior lecture I just mentioned.  This, if anything for the mention of "Africa(n) diaspora" has more to do with discussing cultures.  However, this isn't the "campus dialogue on cultures" (though that would admittedly be interesting for the third-wavers to try tackling), this is the "campus dialogue on race" and I'm seeing certain programs that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic.

It is completely irrelevant and is more mind-numbing gender propaganda from the left designed to churn females into the corrupt system of patriarchal mutilative elective cosmetic surgery and dangerous hormonal drugs.  I'm not interested in hearing about this stuff UNLESS they are talking about ways in which men across the board force women, and other men, into strict binary roles and then insist that those who do not neatly fit are actually members of the opposite sex.  You do not get more textbook sexist than that!

Then finally, there is this:

Disability Justice and Our Potential for Resistance

Why don't we talk about disability? This is a workshop and discussion space where we can connect disability to our visions of a social justice movement that recognizes the intersections of our experiences and the complexities of our lives. Everyone welcome!
Presenter: Elizabeth Hassler
Which is presented by a white woman.  Cool. I noticed another workshop on the list also being presented by a white woman.

How deeply insulting to people of color, especially women of color.

I understand the need to talk about these issues, however, HSU chugs out a very one-sided view of issues as it stands. This week-long program overall has some very interesting-looking topics, particularly about the Black Panthers, Institutional Racism, Indigenous Peoples rights, and inclusion within environmentalism. In fact, I wish I had known about the environmental discussion as I work for an environmental activist, author, and co-founder of Deep Green Resistance and I would have found the information potentially useful.  However, certain discussion groups/workshops/lectures seem grossly out of place for an event that is specifically geared toward race.

If you really want to support a good cause, consider donating to W.O.R.D (Women Organized to Resist and Defend) Sacramento to help them get an office established.

Donate to W.O.R.D:

W.O.R.D gear:

There will also be some new projects coming in the next few months, so keep a lookout for those things, which will likely be posted here or on my personal Facebook page.

Edit: Want to know what is glaringly missing from any of the workshops? The mention of women.  It's as if my school wants to think that women, or our stuggles as women under patriarchy, does not exist.

The Evil Feminist has also done a piece about the Campus Dialogue on Race, which can be found here:

Friday, October 4, 2013

10.4.13. Nancy/Nathan Verhelst

I'm deeply saddened by the state-sanctioned euthanasia of Nancy/Nathan Verhelst.  Such a far-reaching pain inside of her could have been dealt with VERY differently.  I have been crying off and on all day.

I really feel like I lost one of my own even though I never heard about her before. I'm really really upset. My job has been keeping me busy but I can't take my mind off of what a horrible violation of human rights this is (the euthanasia for a person clearly dealing with depression and PTSD). The explosive misogyny. The (I'm going to guess here), childhood abuse. I'm pissed off and I want to DO something about it. More heart-wrenching that myself and other radical feminists are more upset over this all than her own mother was.  And I'm sorry, YES, I am going to jump on the "her mother was a witch" bandwagon.  Her whole fucking FAMILY sounds like they had a hand in this.  Her father, mother, and brothers along with these quack doctors are all to blame.  The trans camp is already starting to say that Nancy's mother sounded like a TERF (trans exclusive radical feminist) and they are WRONG. Radical feminists have treated me with nothing but kindness.  This euthanasia was 100% the fault of PATRIARCHY and living in a dick-ruling/dick-worshipping society!  I can't believe the level of cognitive dissonance required at this point to see this as anything BUT the fault of patriarchy!


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

9.24.13 When "identity politics" trump misogyny

People who excuse misogyny by saying "oh it's okay for him to say 'bitches' because he identifies as female sometimes" need a long lesson in what misogyny is. If a woman uses derogatory language to refer to herself or other women, she is participating in her own oppression. Likely you would tell her this, right?


So, why is it okay for men to be derogatory towards women simply because they "identify" as women? If their far-fetched identity politics held any water and they are in fact women (they're not) then hypothetically they would be participating in their own oppression, right? Just like when men try to appropriate words like "cunt" to describe their penises/sphincters (I'm looking at you, local dude). It's not okay with me for these men to say these things (appropriation of womanhood aside). It likewise shouldn't be okay with queer theorists either. Unless, of course, they are misogynists or have internalized a great deal of misogyny themselves (if they're female).

Call out misogyny - regardless of WHO is saying it or how they supposedly "identify." Misogyny is everyone's problem, and men will often do anything to get away with it.

Please note that I have, on more than one occasion, referred to myself as an "evil lesbian/feminist bitch" solely tongue-in-cheek, dripping with sarcasm, because these are the insults hurled at me when I speak up.  This is NOT me trying to "reclaim slurs."  This is me demonstrating the kinds of vile things that are said about me.

Friday, September 20, 2013

9.20.13 Queer Theory is Illogical

Some questions, rhetorical or not, that have been itching at my brain lately:

1. Why is it that queer theorists believe in such outdated gender roles for people?
2. Why do they consistently reinforce the gender binary by saying "these are feminine traits/behaviors/appearances" and ditto for "masculine?"
3. Why do they believe in prioritizing male born people above all others? Especially females and lesbians?
4. Why can't they all recognize gender/ID politics for what it really is? Which is to say, a cult?
5. Why do women sweep the actions of men under the rug, or even go so far as to defend certain men, just because said men are "gender non-conforming?" They're still men, and they're still predators.
6. Butch and Femme are labels for lesbian females. Why are women (and men!) trying to appropriate these labels and simultaneously erase actual lesbians in the process? You are cheapening our culture by making our words meaningless. Stop it! Cut the bullshit!
7. Why is it that mainstream, even politically conservative women and non-feminist women understand that males are males, females are females, and people with intersex conditions are people with intersex conditions, but queer theorists cannot do this? Or worse, queer theorists appropriate and try to conflate intersex conditions with trans delusions?
8. Why won't queer theorists live in reality with the rest of us all and acknowledge oppression as male oppression?
9. Why is it "exclusive" for a female lesbian to only be attracted to other female lesbians, and therefore lesbian becomes a dirty "excluding" word, but born males are allowed to appropriate the word "lesbian" and only prefer actual females, and women are supposed to sit back and accept this or be labeled "transphobic" for not wanting to sleep with men???
10. Why has feminism gotten such a backlash and why do women sit back and support this backlash?
11. Why are my actions and politics supposedly more "toxic" than the ignoring  the safety and well-being of women as queer theorists tend to do?

You are not a friend to females if you honestly keep supporting this shit. I am dead serious.

So, what have we learned today?

Grow up, get real, live in reality, and when you finally have the courage to join other women in the fight to dismantle patriarchy as a class instead of reinforcing it through identity politics, feel free to get back to me.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

9.18.2013 - Signal Boosting an Excellent Post

I apologize for the delay in a new blog post. I've just started a brand new job and am trying to learn the ropes, so I appreciate the patience of my readers as I adjust to my new schedule and way of living.  That being said, I'm simply here today to present to you a post that I noticed on facebook written by blogger "BigBooButch."

I highly recommend the rest of her blog too.  It's so unfortunate that the voices of Butches often pass us by completely under the radar, or they are silenced and bullied by trans theorists.  So please, give her your undivided attention regarding something that is deeply affecting lesbian culture.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

9.10.13 - Excommunication and Radical Feminist Witch Hunt continues!

For the past year, I was a representative/member for my local Pride board. My partner was also a representative, and helped put on last years parade and festival (which I might add was a huge success with over a thousand attendees). 

Note that I say: "was." In July, my partner and I both emailed the main director and sent her our resignations. At the time, our reasons for quitting was me working 70 hour work weeks without overtime pay to support my partner and myself. For her, her reason for quitting was a pseudo brain tumor that can possibly leave her blind.

So, you still following me? We resigned back in July because I was overworked and she has a disability? Ok, glad you're following me so far.

The QQQ (Queer Qids Qlub) has decided to retaliate against us evil lesbian bitches by "resolving" the pride board issue, which frankly was "resolved" 2 months ago. You gotta do better than that, folks! 

What I find interesting about the QQQ is that their poster child that they claim to VEHEMENTLY defend fits the following (to them, hypothetical) criteria:

1. A female
2. Who is a woman of color
3. Who is a lesbian
4. Who might be gender non conforming
5. Who deals with sizeism
6. Who has a disability

My partner is all of the above EXCEPT a woman of color and our super supportive community helped her during her coming out process by essentially acting like "huh? What the fuck is a lesbian? Those still exist?"

I bet the QQQ cult must be proud at this point. Why? Well, by all means, allow me to explain! You see, the reason the pride board "had no idea any of this was going on" (any of what I might ask? What are my charges, QQQ Tribunal?) was because we kept our politics out of Humboldt Pride. We didn't bring our activism to that space. We had the board president blocked from viewing our Facebook statuses because we, unlike other queer organizations, aren't seeking a monopoly on activism. Meanwhile Qaiel Peltier is drunk on power and has a hand in QSU, The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, and now Humboldt Pride. Ridiculous. I'm just waiting for him to get his hands on Wheres Queerbill events if it hasn't happened already. 

Also, congratulations, cultists! Not only have you gone through an actual bonafide excommunication process with myself and Carolynn, but you've also successfully run off two lesbians from attending Pride 2013! Pride is supposed to be for lesbians too. If your queer "all inclusive" (my ass) activism is built on censorship, intimidation, excommunication, and running off lesbians, then you really ought to seriously reconsider the "inclusivity" of your actions. Either that or drop the L from LGBT since its obvious at this point that they don't actually care about lesbians. They might like the "hot" lesbians or even the lesbians who quietly sit back while this corruption happens, but queer activists really don't walk the walk.

When my girlfriend's tires got slashed and she got "dyke" keyed into her car, where was our community? Cathy Brennan offered to pay for Carolynn's tires. When I was being stalked and harassed and threatened (and still am!) by a local MtF, where were the outcries of justice for us? Good thing radical feminists actually do give a damn about women because otherwise I'd be pretty frightened and not knowing how to, or being financially able to, take action. Now, it's the Pride situation.

Which by the way, I'm not attending. Carolynn is going to be hosting a going-away party for me elsewhere during that time. You might think you've run me out of town, but an opportunity came knocking and I answered. You think you have silenced us, but this is just the beginning of some very big projects for me. Meanwhile, by all means, keep giving us publicity by punishing us!

Turns out this is a commonly used tactic with activists, religious groups, cults, etc.  But what is currently happening to us is excommunication and shunning.  This tactic is more common in rural groups or places with fewer people.  

The above is a screen shot from my phone of a post made in a local trans support group FB page that I used to be an active member in before I de-transitioned.  After seeing this post, which frankly sounded threatening to me, I took the screen shot and promptly left the group.

As of September 8th, Humboldt Pride board sent Carolynn and myself the following email:
"Heath and Carolynn,It has come to our attention that there are some statements being made and posted that reference your position as Pride while denouncing other individuals within our community, their sexuality, gender identity or other parts of themselves. This is not what Pride is about as an organization to bring together those within our community and unite them with the allies within our greater community. Please do not use Pride as a platform and we ask that you relinquish your positions on the board at this time. Thank you both for your time on the board and the service you have provided to the community. 
Pride Board"
For an organization that touts itself as being supportive of all voices and perspectives, they seem not to really care too much about how many women they trample in the process.

I would also like to add that the reason any of this is even happening is because last month, I started a letter writing campaign against Qaiel Peltier.  The retaliation of Qaiel's posse was to scour my blog, hoping to find a vague reference to my position as a pride board member, which they did end up finding in this post.  Folks, we call this tactic "grasping at straws."

One of the quotes from my post about Qaiel Peltier is the following, which according to inside sources, he vehemently denies:
He has bullied women for not living up to his standards of sexual promiscuity, and has assaulted at least 2 women. He has belittled those same women for their interest in feminism.
I'm hurt and disgusted, but sadly not surprised, that the stance of Humboldt Pride board is to protect the public image of a known sexual harasser simply because he "identifies" as trans, but will kick off two lesbians for unrelated politics that we both made a point to keep separate from Humboldt Pride.

Their reaction is to tell us how How Fucking Wrong We Are© and that we need to just heal and get over it.  There has been a lot of victim blaming going on in my former community, victim shaming, deflection, smokescreenings, gaslighting, and various other abusive techniques.  

Since nymeses is my moniker, and Nemesis is my goddess, I want justice.  I will be moving on to speaking on a more national platform, and I will not rest until justice is sought and the victims involved are allowed to speak safely.  Unfortunately no space is safe with people like sexual harassers around.  This should be common knowledge.

I've been accused of being manipulative.  I've been accused of leaving my girlfriend behind to deal with this.  With all the rumors flying around regarding me, it's hard for me to keep track.  Some people accuse my girlfriend of changing me and brainwashing me.  Other people accuse me of manipulating Carolynn.  Some people just think the two of us are ugly bitches.  So, tell me, which one of us is the mastermind behind all of this?  Am I the manipulator, or is Carolynn the controlling one?  Or is it possible that both of us have brains of our own and can think for ourselves?  

Make up your minds, people.

And while you're at it, might want to read this post by Elizabeth Hungerford too.  Just as a sidenote.  Your theories are falling apart when placed in public scrutiny.  Even by your own followers.

To contact Humboldt Pride regarding their hasty decision, they can be reached at or via their facebook page, which is

More information can be found here:

And here:

Saturday, September 7, 2013

9.7.13 - Something Cheerful

Whenever I am feeling bogged-down with haters, both local and not, who are so quick to want to shut my ass up because it's more convenient for them, I sometimes find myself smiling.


Because I keep getting messages on a weekly basis.  From young women who are hurt and frankly, they're pretty pissed off.  I feel like we all got duped by queer theory, and the sick joke is all at the expense of women and lesbians.

These women have either:

  1. Given serious thought to transitioning and realized in the nick of time that they were about to make a huge mistake that would have negatively impacted their lives, health, and mental health and so decided not to do it.  These women are relieved that I am speaking out openly as a butch.
  2. Or they've already taken steps in transitioning and realized that it's not all glitter and fabulousness as the QQQ (queer qids qlub) likes to tout it as.  In fact, they end up realizing that their bodies are fucking fine as they are despite what patriarchy says or tries to sell/drug them into! and that no further "enhancements" are needed.  And they're right!  These women are also relieved that I am speaking out openly as a butch.
These types of women who message me...those are the types of messages that remind me every day why I'm doing this.  No matter how much people try to paint me as a local villain, a hater, a bitch, a fatass, whatever the fuck I supposedly am this week, I remember that what I'm doing is important, and it is saving lives.  Actually saving lives, instead of putting a band-aid on a damn bullet hole.  I'm doing this to help build a solid lesbian culture.  Butch, Femme, neither, it doesn't matter to me, we just need female visibility and representation, because nobody else is sure as hell going to advocate for female body positivity and lesbian positivity unless we do it ourselves!

At any rate, I deeply appreciate the support I've been getting. You have no idea how happy I am - not for myself, but for the young women who are, with each passing day, waking up from the gender fog and realizing that society is at fault, not their bodies.

I do this activism for you.  You, who have been cast away by your academic bourgeoisie counterparts.  From your homophobic families who would have rather had a gender conforming son instead of a gender non conforming daughter.  I write for you.  I write for the young women who wanted freedom to be strong amazonian lesbians, and instead got "you must be a guy" shoved down your throats instead.

Question: What's the difference between a conservative Christian saying to a lesbian "you might as well be a dude" and a queer activist saying the same thing?

Answer: Absolutely nothing.  Same shit, different package!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

8.27.13 Backlash Against Feminism/Appropriation of Feminism: Two Sides-Same Coin

Sometimes, while I keep up with the day-to-day activism of various women and the underlying message of their personal role in the overall solidarity puzzle, I find myself curious.

My curiosity stems from questioning whether certain sects of feminism, sects that are overwhelmingly under scrutiny by radical feminism, might have actually started out as good inter-movements towards women's liberation.

Take sex-positivity for instance.  I wonder if sex-positivity actually started out as a way for women to discover their bodies sexually.  I wonder if sex-positivity was rooted in body acceptance and adoration.  Sex-positivity is supposed to be about women claiming agency and autonomy over their total bodies - and this includes their own sexuality.

However, men polluted this.  Which comes as no surprise.  The sex-positivity movement became hijacked by men who made it all about capitalizing on pornography, exploitation, and catering to their orgasms, under the guise of women's "empowerment."

Further, let's examine this whole idea of gender-non conformity.  Radical feminists (yes, those women that the QQQ, Queer Qids Qlub enjoys trashing, harassing, stalking, and threatening) actually helped bring gender non-conformity to the Western forefront during the second wave.  Pre-patriarchy, women and men didn't have bullshit gender roles.  They did what was best for survival.  They co-existed within nature.  Patriarchy on the other hand, is a highly unnatural state of being.  Whatever role they fit had nothing to do with vanity and everything to do with fostering life.

What did the post modern queer theorists do with the helpful idea of abolishing gender?  Simple! Don't abolish gender, just identify with it! Certain activities, choices, roles, forms of expression are for men and others are for women.  How is it that we are in the year 2013 and still dealing with this garbage?

Sex is reality.  Sex-based oppression of females exists.  Gender is simply the legitimization of sex-based oppression, indeed, it is a tool of further exacerbating violence against women.

See? These both began as really great concepts.  These were the sentiments (and still largely remain the sentiments) behind both of these factions.  Men took women's ideas, mindfucked them, appropriated them, repackaged them, and then responded to womens demands with a cum shot to the face.

So, I am wondering, what with sex-positivity and gender theories, whether it really benefits women's liberation to include men at the forefront of any women's movement.  Men are more than welcome to consider themselves allies to feminism (not feminists!) and can take a step back and let us women do the work.  Trust me, we can handle things perfectly fine without you.  If you need something to do, stop trying to discredit meaningful feminist discourse, stand up against misogyny and lesbophobia (this will likely mean UNsubscribing to Queer Theory), and educate your fellow men about how to meet the bare minimum requirements of human decency.

You can't begin to "help" us if you are constantly talking over us, erasing us, and appropriating our movement.  

Stop making everything about your hurt feelings and your sad boners.  

This is about women. This is a women's movement.

Deal with it!

Friday, August 23, 2013

8.23.13 Dedications

I had recently sought donations to get a local stalker served with a restraining order.  Because of the hard work of a friend of mine who is a PI and process server, the amount I ended up needing was a LOT less than I originally would have needed, and the people who donated covered ALL sheriffs fees.  This post is to thank those who donated.  I'm signal boosting a few of their blogs/causes and I wrote each of them a poem in tribute.  Donators are identified only by their initials.

1. Signal boost and Poem for G.B. 

GB runs a blog that can be found HERE.  She asked me if Star Trek would inspire me, and inspire it did.

"Patriarchy: The Feminist Frontier"

Patriarchy, the feminist frontier
these are the voyages of
the star ship "Intersectional."
It's ongoing mission:
to expose the inner workings of the oppressive class,
to seek out our sisters and join forces,
to boldly overthrow what no woman has overthrown before.

"Captains log, Stardate 3845.2
Women appear to be losing this battle.
The planet known as Earth
nearly uninhabitable.
My mission is clear.
We must begin mandatory evac. of female survivors and their children."

I am Captain Karen.
I come from a line of descendants
of unknown origin
Their records were all destroyed
in a battle of dominion

I share a kinship
with the female species
as it is clear they are erased
as much as my kind vanished
a trace

Not only in our travels have we discovered
various life forms
But we have also found other planets of humans.

I escaped my planet
before the catastrophe
my wife was an inventor
with ties to space exploration

Dr. Rojas, the on-board physician,
was part of a research team that created a way
to merge female eggs
creating female offspring
Dr. Rojas had escaped too.

As our destination nears
I radio Lieutenant Pierce
to ask about correspondence with the inhabitants

"Yes Captain, the last message reads: 'situation dire. Millions lost. Millions more starving. Awaiting rescue fleet.'"

"Thank you Lieutenant." I press another button
and am patched through to first officer Sammy.

"Sammy, please report to the bridge."

"I will be there shortly, Captain."

Moments later, Sammy appears
on the deck, looking worn.
"Instructions for me, Captain?"
"Not this time, more a question.
How do we comfort inhabitants war torn?"

Sammy stands silent, then says
"We will know when the time comes."

Our vessel fast approaching
I lean back
I hoped to see a vast blue orb
but it was grey, brown, and black.

Until the next time, fellow voyager.
Karen out.

2. Signal boost and poem for AM

AM didn't specifically have a blog or cause for me to promote, so I spent a lot of time fleshing out a poem in Villanelle style, which to me ranks in difficulty with sonnets.

"Photographic Memory"

Your creative spirit so obviously grows
in places you've not seen before
you seize the radiance of life in photos

The essence of time slows
in far off places you ought to explore
your creative spirit so obviously grows

"Freeze the scene before its gone" you suppose
places only dreamed about in lore
you seize the radiance of life in photos

The bright city light shimmers and glows
energy illuminated at the core
your creative spirit so obviously grows

Leaves, branches, and water flows
with tranquil abandon that we adore
you seize the spirit of life in photos

Nature and industry with their endless shows
you've seen plenty and yearn for more
your creative spirit so obviously grows
you seize the radiance of life in photos

3. Signal boost and poem for LB

LB does a lot of activism around women in the military.  She requested that I advise any women who is currently serving in our forces to seek help in the case of sexual assault.  Her project is here:

Because of the nature of her activism, I decided to write this poem for the women who are serving.

The Struggle

I may not agree with the directions
of the government that stifles connections
But you are my sisters, my kin
one day we will overcome the delusions

of power, greed, and discipline
The bravery and strength from within
springs forth from herstory long abandoned
yet you must keep up your chin

You women in uniform, your bonds are banded
chained to the same corruption that leaves us stranded
The horrors daily that you face
I can't imagine; life taken for granted

When you come home, will I see it in your face?
The terror, the anguish, the vast open space
of innocence long stolen from you?
Spread your wings and soar far from the place.

After all is done, these words are long due.
Please, know what I say is true.
You are cherished, cared for, and loved
and like the soldiers that you are, make it, pull through.

4. Signal boost and poem for PM

PM runs the Lesbian Caucus blog and dedicates her energy towards helping raise discussion and action towards lesbian-centric issues.  


Love brings us closer together
Eagerness to lend a helping hand
Solidarity is our calling card
Bravery against those who oppress
Interdependence keeps us connected
Action keeps us moving
Necessary are lesbians for they
Imagine a better world for us
Sisterhood means so much to us
Memorable is the culture we're creating

Thank you, once again, for helping me deal with my life as I know it.  You cannot imagine how grateful I am that you all had a hand in helping make my home and community a safer place for my girlfriend and myself.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

8.18.13 As males you should know

Just because you are male, does not mean you need to buy into the lies we are told about what is male behavior. There is nothing you need to do or not do to be a “man” but your natural aging process.

If you want to be a man that wears a dress, and has long hair you can, but that doesn't make you female. 

As a female it is offensive to read mtf passing guides telling young boys what they need to do in order to be seen as women. It re-enforces old stereotypes and behaviors, and pretty much tells women that if they don’t do that then they should not be happy with themselves and are not woman enough. 

No amount of surgery or hormones can change your sex, was her turning point. She was being sold on an idea of perfection that she was not going to get. If you look at trans conferences they are sponsored by big pharmaceutical companies, plastic surgeon, and porn companies. None of those have your best interests at mind and are selling you the idea that you are not man or woman enough, that your body is not right, and that you need their services because if you don’t you will kill yourself.

None of these conferences tell you that the suicide rate of post-transition is still high, or that people do de-transition. I know I have sat through them and was told, “The data was not collected”, or “the costs outweigh the risks”. Bullshit, you are playing with peoples minds and health to get their money, then telling them they are wrong when they are still depressed they don’t reach this ideal that you sold them.

This system that we have is not sustainable, patriarchal capitalism has destroyed this planet, and unless people stand up and say this is not okay, nothing is going to change. One thing that mra’s seem to forget is that feminists do not say that patriarchy benefits all men, because clearly you are an example of someone who has not. What it does is tells us that to be a man you need to be xyz and to be a woman you need to do xyz and it does that to keep those in power in control.

Monday, August 12, 2013

8.12.13 TransMISOGYNY and consequences

For the past month I have been in the process of getting a protective order against a local MtT. This man, used to be a friend but since they found out about my detranstion and involvement in radical feminist spaces they have been violent and hostile.
Everything started with this photo and a phone call after they found out I was reading Cathy Brennan's blog, via a link I posted on my facebook. It was a post about how men will fuck anything, and CB had wrote about a story where a man in her life had fucked her piggy bank. Coletta agreed with the post and interacted then became angry when she read what else was on CB's blog. I told her on facebook to leave me alone, and then once again after I received a phone call from him and this text. As you can see I asked him not to contact me again. For a month we heard nothing and thought all was okay then I recieved a message from a local event promoter that Coletta was on their facebook page telling people I was a traitor and a liar and that they had deleted it before it was posted to the masses. This promoted my girlfriend to go digging and we found several posts on his personal account regarding me.

What was more disturbing was when I checked my article on Gender Trender as from his facebook posts I could tell he had done some digging on me. There I found comment, after comment from him.  I decided not to comment back to him directly but reestablish that I have asked him to leave me be. We also found several of Coletta's old Bebo accounts, and wordpress as well as his twitter that he had been talking about me on. For someone that had not seen me in 2 years, and maybe only 3 times before their attachment and anger was very disturbing. The last time I had seen him resulted in a drunken sexual accounter that now, recalling back was very inappropriate behavior as I was 21 at the time and Coletta was nearly 50, and both of us were intoxicated.

I do not think they were published, but it got us an i.p address and email

Because of these comments I was urged by Cathy Brennan and others to get a protective order against Coletta, the fact he stewed over me for a month, and then exploded with such force was and is a worry to me. I went to my county and filled out paperwork and while that was a hassle it has been the easiest process. 
In order to receive my protective order I need to have a third party serve Coletta with the paperwork, and this is our problem.The sheriff will do it for a fee, but we need and address, which we do not have and cannot find. Coletta has never had a formal name change and therefore his records are not in that name. He have no job, or dmv record. We had a lawyer look for us and they could not find anything. We searched ourselves and with Coletta's phone number we were able to track it to... the old owner of the number. We have his church, but they won't help us, we have Coletta's girlfriends name and address but that turned out to be a trailer park, and we need a space number, and that is not Coletta's residence, so we are stuck. 

Despite all this information we have nothing. I can find and view his recent purchases on Amazon but not his address. Because of his chosen name, he has hidden from being served and still doesn't know we are attempting to serve him with a notice of a protective order.

Last Wednesday was the court hearing and the judge looked at the evidence and was prepared to grant us the order based on what Coletta has said regarding me, but got ahead of himself and did not realize we were unable to serve Coletta. He told us to contact the police department in the town Coletta lived in, which we did and they said they do not serve legal papers. He pushed our hearing to the 28th of this month, and we have to serve Coletta 5 days before. 

Today we contacted a professional process server, and they told us that their fee was 65$ to serve Coletta, plus travel fee. In addition to this fee we also have to first pay for them to locate him, that cost 75$/hr and they do not know how long it will take them. I have stated a fund to help with the expenses, as I do not have the money it takes to track this person down, and I am still worried that they will lash out at me in a public space. I cannot afford to serve them, but I cannot afford to let my girlfriend or myself hurt because of this man. I am hoping that the community that has helped me so much can also help me with this. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

8.7.13 Puberty Blockers and the Destruction of Children

Trigger warning: child abuse

Today is the time to address a topic that I haven't yet touched on, but hope to explore more as time goes on.  Knowing the reasons why on earth parents would do this to their children might help us put a stop to it.

The topic today is puberty-suppressing drugs for minors.  The Childrens Hospital of Boston has a very biased pro-big pharmaceuticals approach to dealing with gender non-conforming children.  In this post, I will review their "Frequently Asked Questions" section with some common sense. I will also be raising my own concerns about the highly questionable nature of this "treatment."

On the Childrens Hospital website, they offer a brief explanation of things we all should have learned about already in basic high school biology class.
"During puberty, the pituitary gland—a tiny gland at the bottom of the brain—releases hormones called gonadotrophins that stimulate the gonads to mature. In boys, gonadotrophins stimulate the testes, so that they start producing testosterone and sperm. In girls, they stimulate the ovaries to begin producing estrogen and ultimately to ovulate."
 So far, so good. This answer points out that young boys will develop natural hormonal changes and will get everything a boys puberty entails.  Ditto for young girls.  No problems here. Next!
"Children's transgender patients, all of whom have been previously screened by psychotherapists skilled in evaluation of gender identity, are counseled and evaluated by a Gender Management Service (GeMS) Clinic psychologist. Following an established international research protocol, patients undergo a series of psychological and medical tests in order to assess whether they have persistent clinical symptoms of transgenderism that interfere with their psychosocial functioning and put them at serious risk for self-harm. Patients are considered eligible for medical intervention when they fulfill the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders-IV criteria for gender identity disorder, have suffered from lifelong extreme gender dysphoria, are psychologically stable and live in a supportive environment.
Children's offers reversible medical intervention to a select group of at-risk transgender patients in order to suppress their production of estrogen or testosterone, but only after these patients have entered puberty. This reversible treatment gives patients time to reach an age when they can decide, with their families, whether to begin cross-sex hormone therapy. Cross-sex hormone therapy consists of testosterone for genetic females and estrogen for genetic males. If they decide not to transition to the opposite sex, pubertal suppression will be discontinued, genetic puberty will resume, and patients will mature into the gender/sex they were born as."
 So, here we have some "psychotherapists skilled in evaluation of gender identity."  Now, these are likely to not be the same quacks who prescribed shock therapy, lobotomies, etc for gays and lesbians back not too far long ago in history, but it does sound like we have a new wave of doctors who are eager to stunt the naturally occurring development of children - sounds legit.  What tools do doctors use to assess whether a child is "psychologically stable" I wonder?  Isn't the threat of self-harm enough of a diagnostic to assess that a child has no idea the type of self-harm they're signing up for with gender reassignment "treatment?" Could there possibly be more going on that would lead to children hating their bodies and hating the way society treats them as gender non-conforming boys and girls?  Dysphoria can be rooted in a variety of reasons - just because a baby butch hates her breasts and vagina doesn't mean she is actually a boy.  A lot of women hate their breasts and vaginas - a lot of the reasons why is because of porn culture.  Try growing up in a capitalist patriarchal society and NOT  hate parts of your body.  If you manage to do this your whole life without fail, well then congratulations, you're a privileged white able-bodied male!

Doctors really need to start figuring out how to help gender non-conforming children be able to deal with their own emotions and how to face and change society.  Parents and teachers should be on board battling rampant pornification of women.  They should also be on-board helping their vulnerable children figure out that most people hate their bodies but that it is revolutionary and brave to accept their bodies even with their so-called "flaws."  Parents should also be prepared to act like adults and explain to their children that just because little Johnny likes playing Princess doesn't make him a girl.  Young girls who wear plaid, jeans, and no makeup shouldn't be told they're "masculine."  Children internalize messages that suggest they are trans when they are not and they start believing the lies.  There is nothing at all abnormal about having interests that go against the grain of patriarchy.  It doesn't facilitate the need to change these kids.

"Children’s Hospital Boston doctors use drugs called GnRH analogues to temporarily suppress puberty. These drugs block the release of gonadotrophins thereby halting production of sex steroid hormones from the testes and ovaries. GnRH analogues have been used for many decades to assist in reproductive treatment for women and to stop precocious (early) puberty in children, and have not been shown to cause any major side effects."
 So, according to medical professionals (who never cause harm) *sarcasm intended*, these drugs haven't been shown to have any major side-effects.  What is their source of this information?  Especially considering that the evidence in this particular field is very limited and therefore not generalizable to the public.  Why are we using children as human testing experiments?
"Transgender youth, whether male or female, may be at serious risk for self-harm and often engage in life-threatening behaviors related to their transgender identity. Patients sense that they are "trapped in the wrong body" and many experience verbal or physical abuse as a result of their gender expression. Many transgender youth report having seriously thought about taking their lives. Over 25 percent of the transgender youth who participated in a recent study had actually attempted suicide."
As I have hinted at previously, suicide is not often just a one-sided issue.  The reasoning behind suicidal thoughts and attempts are often multi-faceted and are cumulative.  The fact that a gender non-conforming child would have suicidal thoughts is no doubt serious, but it's likely going to be a multitude of factors informing their self-harm.

Then, there is this study by TransActive (which only had ONE pediatrician involved with the research and ONE family practitioner - the rest are all trans advocates).  Needless to say this research is going to biased in favor of perpetuating the trans narrative and for benefiting the already bulging wallets of pharmaceutical corporations and wealthy plastic surgeons.  These children on beta blockers are not actively transitioning, however it is obvious that the medical establishment is grooming them for that path under the guise of "giving the patient and the patient's family time to decide whether the child should transition." Are these the same doctors who force parents to choose a sex for their intersex babies? From the study:
"More studies are needed to determine if discontinuing cross-sex hormones later in life would significantly increase risks of osteoporosis and bone fractures."
So, we don't actually know if puberty blockers will screw up a kid for the rest of his or her life.  I'm not really sure what else to say here except that pro-trans doctors are selling it, and families are buying it - hook, line, and sinker.

In addition to the highly questionable and worrisome medical practice itself, I have some concerns specific to the lives of these children once on puberty blockers.

1. Trans people are pushing very hard for the "right" of trans people to use locker rooms and bathrooms that do NOT correspond with their birth sex.

Now, imagine this:

You're a minor who is FTM.  So, you're anatomically female and possibly on puberty blockers. So, according to the "TransActive" piece, you're also going to look physically smaller and weaker due to a delayed growth spurt and lack of growth plate fusion.  You might have the rallying support of trans communities behind you.  Your school finally bends to trans activist pressure and allows you access to the boys locker rooms and bathrooms.  So, you're in a locker room one day and the bullies who usually target "that geek from math class" decide you're much better to target.  You're naked.  Your vagina is showing.  What the fuck do you think is going to happen next?  This isn't hard to figure out, but I can spell it out: gang rape or other physical assault.  How on earth is this a safe situation for young girls? We can't even help young boys who are targeted with violence in locker I guess young girls get to be the scapegoat.

2. My next concern about these puberty blockers stem from a group of people who I think are the most depraved and disgusting human subjects in existence: child molesters.  Again, what do you think is going to happen to a young woman who is on puberty blockers and cannot get pregnant?  Often the only thing sadly that stops a child molester from going "all the way" is because a girl can get pregnant and the baby can be used as physical evidence of abuse in court.  How delighted old perverts would be at the prospect of a teenager who physically still resembles a child and won't have evidence of abuse?  Do we EVER think about the well-being of children?  Let us also consider that a big reason for body dysphoria is rape or other types of physical abuse and emotional belittling.  FTMs often try to escape this crap BY TRANSITIONING.  It's time we took the safety of these vulnerable women seriously - for their sake and not for the sake of corrupt men.

By not addressing the problems of patriarchy and instead encouraging children to transition we are reinforcing the patriarchy.  The headline of Dirtywhiteboi67's blog is "Change Society - Not Your Body."  I couldn't state it better myself.

Monday, August 5, 2013

8.5.13 Misogynist and Lesbophobic trans "activist" speaking at National Conference

Some of you might remember a young man named Qaiel/Kyle Peltier.  If not, here is a rundown from twitter last year.

If anything tells you about this person's involvement in feminism this exchange with Terri Strange sums it up nicely. 

Yet, this upcoming week he is speaking at a national conference:

TRANSforming Organizations: Empowering Organizations to Support Trans and Genderqueer Youth

Rochelle TrochtenbergYouth OrganizerJulie FreitasSupervising Mental Health ClinicianQaiel Peltier,Youth Partner; Humboldt County Department of Health and Human Services, Transitional Aged Youth (TAY) Division, Eureka, CA
Join a fun, interactive workshop developed by queer youth leaders, designed to prepare participants to create safe, inclusive spaces for TRANS and gender-nonconforming youth. Topics covered include: appropriate terminology, addressing TRANS erasure, and identifying/preventing stigma and discrimination. Humboldt County’s system of care will share tips on supporting accessibility from a rural, integrated, mental health TAY program.

He's a blond able-bodied middle-class white man. I don't really see how he "fits in" at an intersectional feminist conference, except maybe to talk about how he's trans because he's not hypermasculine and he's revolutionary because he's polyamorous and "has at least one orgasm a day" (which he makes sure we all know via his facebook about section).

He has bullied women for not living up to his standards of sexual promiscuity, and has assaulted at least 2 women. He has belittled those same women for their interest in feminism. 
His  intersectional feminism does not include radical feminism and is trans-women focused instead. As a de-transitioned woman, this is not the advice I would have needed. Obviously, regarding  gender-nonconforming youth I would prefer to see a butch lesbian speak. 

If people like Lierre Keith and Rachel Ivey are losing their platforms to speak, we need to push back when people like Qaiel are given the stage. His politics are detrimental to youth and he should not be in the position he is. 

I urge people to email the conference organizers ( ), and express their own thoughts on his speaking.  Here is a sample of what I sent:


I am writing to you today as a concerned feminist activist. It has been brought to my attention that you have booked a speaker wh
o is lesbophobic and misogynistic. His name is Qaiel/Kyle Peltier. As such, I do not feel that his topic of intersectional feminism is a platform that is appropriate for him. Members of oppressed groups have the right to speak as members of that oppressed group and every time a man takes the podium, he is taking that precious speaking arena away from those most affected by patriarchy (meaning women, lesbians, women of color, women with disabilities, etc). The only thing that is remotely intersectional about Qaiel's politics is his ability to say "trans women are women" while completely trampling on the valid needs and concerns of females as a human sex. This approach makes spaces more comfortable and accessible for born males, but doesn't address the need for women to have our own safe spaces to autonomously gather and express our own needs as women. Mr. Peltier has gone on rampages against Roseanne Barr and activists Cathy Brennan and Lierre Keith in the past. His involvement with queer politics has nothing to do with feminism and in fact his combative nature and overt sexual deviancy is in fact triggering to many feminist activists. 

I respectfully ask that you re-consider any future bookings of Mr. Peltier. Thank you for your time.

Friday, August 2, 2013

How to Help a Friend Who Is Considering De-Transition (Part 3 of 3)

First, I want to thank my readers for being patient with me.  A lot of personal issues have been going on.  But the waiting is over...

Earlier on, I wrote two other parts to this series.  The first part can be found <here> and the second part can be read <here.>   This is the third part of that series.

Say you have a friend who has told you that she is expressing doubts about her transition, and even doubts about her own so-called "gender identity."  You might hear her mention that she's been experiencing side effects of the testosterone that she doesn't like (these side effects could be physical or mental).  She could be mentioning that in addition to negative health problems (high blood pressure, reproductive failure, etc) that she isn't feeling great about the transition changes.  She doesn't like her new high libido or her porn habit.  There could be other issues going on as well.  If she is pre-operative, she may express doubts about getting surgery, or keep coming up with reasons not to have surgery.  Basically, she is just very unhappy at this point and she's coming to you for advice.

Now what?

There are a few things you can say/do at this point.

1.  DO remind your friend that she can always "go back."  A common lie that trans rhetoric spouts is that transition is "PERMANENT!" and that you can NEVER go back, and that feminists are EVIL and lesbians are EVIL and will NOT WELCOME YOU BACK.

This is a flat out LIE perpetuated by MtTs and even some FtTs who have never really researched or spoken directly to lesbian feminists.  Remind your friend that while mistakes are often punished by the trans community, that feminists don't feel that way.

2. DO direct your friend to the (very limited) amount of resources available, such as Dirtywhiteboi67's blog, my blog, get her into contact with Sheila Jeffreys, Lierre Keith, etc.  Get her connected to feminist friends that can comfort her.

3. Ask your friend if (and how) she intends to quit hormone treatment if she is still currently on HRT.  If she is, advise her to talk to her doctor, however, at this point your friend might be HIGHLY skeptical of doctors for enabling this type of "treatment" in the first place.  If that is the case and she is apprehensive of seeing the doctor, encourage her to see a different physician or even preferably a female herbalist practitioner.  It is NOT RECOMMENDED to quit testosterone cold turkey as this can shock the system.  When ceasing hormone treatment, it is best to taper off of the drugs (as with most other big-pharmaceutical drugs).

4.  DO encourage natural healing.  On the subject of herbalists, many herbal stores sell tea blends and tinctures that contain various herbs known to help repair the female reproductive.  Ask for tinctures that help with the female cycle and with menopause.  Some women who have never transitioned ever and just go through natural menopause sometimes don't want synthetic estrogen, and so they take the herbal route, which honestly seems to be a lot safer in the long run than synthetic man-made lab-created bullshit.

5.  DO be prepared to help her with backlash as she WILL be met with hostility and she will be turned away from her former trans community.  She might lose a few friends over this.  She might get harassed in person, on the internet, etc.  Be supportive of her and help her deal with bullies.  Get law enforcement involved when needed.

6.  DO explain to your friend that it will take time for her body to heal and to be patient.  Hormones take about a year for everything to regulate itself again.  It takes 7 years for every cell in your body to become a brand new cell.  In terms of binding, despite what the trans cult says, there is no such thing as safe binding.  It doesn't matter if you wear a properly fitting binder.  It doesn't matter if you only wear it 8 hours a day.  It just DOES NOT MATTER.  No matter what, you will still find yourself with rib damage and rib pain.  Binding is ONLY supposed to be a short-term thing.  Binding is supposed to in theory keep you "passing" until you can afford and/or want top surgery.  Usually this is a timeframe of about 5 years and definitely no longer than 10 years.  The only difference between "proper binding" and "improper binding" is how long it will take for your ribs to become weakened and warped.  No different than corsets to be completely honest.

7.  If your friend is scared or doesn't know what to do, the best I can say is just keep being there for her.  Keep encouraging her to make healthy choices.  Offer kind words of support.  I know for me, there have been some very distressing days in which I was barraged with harassment from morning to night and it was kindness from my friends that reminds me why I put up with the crap in the first place.
I do this to help.  Others may not want or care about my help but I'm here because I'm living proof that people make mistakes and there is nothing wrong with me trying to help otherwise healthy young women NOT make those same mistakes.  I was a teenager too not very long ago and I thought I knew everything too.  Not being stubborn goes a long way because in the end you're only hurting yourself.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

7.24.13 Butch/Femme Misconceptions

There is SO much misinformation on the Wikipedia page for "butch and femme." It is very frustrating. I mean, obviously on one hand Wikipedia is NEVER the most reliable source of information, but there are a lot of people who consult Wikipedia for explanations to things.

If you want to know what "butch and femme" actually means, try asking some lesbians : in particular butches and femmes. Ask *actual* butches and femmes if butches are "masculine and tough" and femmes are "feminine and passive." 

The answer you will get from ME is that "masculinity" and "femininity" are constructs that can (and should be) dismantled. To me, femininity describes anything a female does and masculinity is anything a male does. The problem is when we ascribe certain traits and outward presentations as masculine or feminine. Cultural differences vary WIDELY on this. 

Also, don't you think that there are passive butches and tough femmes? 

The bottom line is that both butch and femme are females. Neither one is trying to "be the man" in the relationship - both are women in the relationship. To think otherwise is to adopt a *highly* androcentric view of lesbian sexuality and romantic attraction. 

Are butches and femmes playing an outdated role that mimics heterosexuality? NO. Butch and femme are strictly *lesbian* concepts. Butch and femme are two sides of the same coin - historically butches and femmes presented as such in order to find a partner. Butches stood out from other women and femmes were their partners. Femmes initiated with the butches (so, how on earth are femmes passive)? If you weren't one or the other you often weren't let into gay bars for fear that you'd cause trouble. 

Femmes are just as feisty, just as powerful, just as independent as butches. Butches are just as nurturing, just as considerate, just as tender as femmes. 

So, for the love of Artemis, please stop conflating butches with men and the butch/femme dyad as mimicking heterosexuality. These concepts are WORLDS apart. Thank you.

This is just my understanding of this. If I am wrong, don't hesitate to correct me. Also, if you have your own stories of butch/femme misconceptions you have encountered, feel free to share them below! 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Guest Post: tw: self injury, sexual abuse

This is a guest post and is not Heath Atom Russell's story, nor Heath's personal opinions: 

I come from a background of sexual abuse and objectification. My father made it well known that he prefers his women "stacked". I ignored his comments about other women, and about my older, adopted sister being flatter than a wall, but eventually puberty and mother nature caught up with me. Both my mother and grandmother were DD+ and by middle school I was there as well,  I wore baggy shirts and refused to wear a bra despite my mother's efforts.

Unfortunately this only attracted my father's attentions more. The abuse got worse, so I did everything I could to make myself unattractive to my father.  He didn't like blondes, so I sun bleached my hair, he didn't like women with short hair, so I cut mine off, didn't like tan women, so I stayed out all summer and tanned. It was a constant back and forth of me trying to become unappealing to avoid sexual abuse.
Eventually this battle lead to me getting an eating disorder, binge eating made me feel happy temporally as I became fat, the only thing that seemed to keep my father off of me. His disgust at obesity in women, despite his own weight problems, was the only thing that kept his pedophilic tendencies at bay. This was the beginning of my own weight struggle. I yo-yo'ed my size from a 10 to a 24. I would balloon, then the abuse would stop, and I would feel safe, then I would drop down, get touched and go back up. Eventually my weight became my safety net away from harm, and I stopped dropping down and I plateaued the summer before my senior year of high school. 
I won't forget the day my self-harm began, I was in a tank top and leaned down to pick up an ice-chest and my father stared down my shirt. I immediately set it down and went back inside to talk to my mother. She had know for years about my abuse, but her reaction is a long story for a different day, she told me that I should just take the compliment.  

That night isolated and locked in my room, filled with fear I took my abuse out on myself. It wasn't "me" that was to blame for my abuse but my body, specifically my breasts. I ended up taking scissors and cutting off a 1 inch circle on my breast.  I didn't have a desire to take them off, but I wanted them disfigured in hopes that I would be spared from my father's gaze. To be spared from all mens gazes, because despite my age and size, I was still, and still do get harassed by men because of my breasts. 
The first wound lead to a second and a third and then on the other breast. I picked and peeled and prevented my wounds from healing. I hid my bloody bras from my mother until one day while visiting my dying grandmother she noticed blood soaking my shirt from one of the wounds and took my to the bathroom to see what was going on. 

I told her it was a pimple and that the others were scratches. She had me immediately looked at by a doctor, who checked me into the hospital because angry red lines on my breasts indicated that I had blood poisoning as well as a flesh eating virus making things worse.  I ended up missing more days of school that year from that than the death of my grandmother. 

After many months of bandaging and wound care the holes closed, leaving me scarred. My father could no longer look at me. So in my mind I had succeeded, I later found out it was less to do with my injuries, and more that he was preying on my younger sister.  
The only good that came from it was that she finally had the courage to do what me and my older sister hadn't, and reported him. the result of that was that did not register as an offender, but is still on probation. 

During my self injury and abuse, I never once thought that I must be a boy because of how disassociated I felt from my breasts. Truthfully I only knew that MTF's existed and was only exposed through Doctor Phil and the like. If I had known about FTM's, I would have bought the trans narrative.  To this day, I have very little feeling in my breasts and have trouble identifying that they belong to me. If I had known that I could change my fate and identify my way out of the whole situation I would have jumped at that chance, I would have bought the trans narrative hook, line and sinker.

I have sat and heard several girls in a space agreeing that they would rather have cancer and get their breasts removed because of how uncomfortable they felt with them and the attention they received; None of them were even comfortable enough to say they prefered female pronouns, and all of them were queer, because "being a lesbian is exclusive". This is a too common narrative: young women willing self-harm in order to accommodate themselves into a world that objectifies them. 

This is completely understandable when you look at how young women are portrayed in western media. All you need to do is change this, and do that and buy this item and you can maybe live up the the expectations that as a women you are told you need to achieve.  People have lashed out at Nymeses for speaking, and for trying to save girls from transition. But when I look at my own background I see stories similar to my own in trans message boards, I hear it in groups like the one I described. 

With everything that is forced upon young women how can we expect them to be comfortable in their own skins?